I Spanked My Child Today

I spanked my child today.
She'd torn her dress at play,
And tracked across the rug,
And laughed at me with such a smug,
Defiant, impish way
I sort of lost my head.
I spanked her till her little
Spanking place was red . . .
But now that she's in bed
I don't know what to say . . .
A sleeping child is such a tender sight.
One hand upflung against the pillow white.
A toy still clutched; the fair hair mussed . . .
If I've betrayed Your sacred trust,
Oh, Lord of little children, please forgive,
And let me live
Tomorrow to outweigh.
I wish I hadn't spanked my child today.

-From "As Tall as My Heart"
-By Marjorie Holmes

Jack and Sam are here!

Wow! Has it really been almost a year since my last post. Let's see if I can do a fast update and will sincerely try to be more regular (Activia!) no that's not what I mean. It's been so long that I last wrote a post, the user interface is completely different and am trying to learn it on the fly.

I always seem to lead with TMI, so if I'm blogging, I'm nursing. So please excuse the typos or grammar errors you may see. I'm typing over the twins heads. Yes that's right, I had a very successful pregnancy. I went to 37 weeks 1 day, which is what I did with the first set of twins. Samantha was born at 6 lbs 4 oz and Jack was born at 7 lbs 13 oz. So if you are adding that correctly, it is over 14 lbs of baby! Everyone was healthy and able to go home on time. I did have my OB go ahead and tie my tubes, just on the off chance of an Oops!

When we were originally thinking of names, we liked Danielle and Jack. Sounds pretty good together right? Danielle and Jack, Jack and Danielle. Hmm sounds kind of familiar. Jack and Danielle. Jack and Diane? No that's not it... hmm Jack Daniels! OH NO! Hence Jack and Samantha! Cha-ching! Thank God she looks like a Samantha and not a Danielle. They are really GREAT babies. I laugh and tell Alex, they are so chill because they were on ice for 5 years.

Oh, one last thing both sets of twins... their birthdays are 2 weeks apart. Yes 4 birthdays in 2 weeks. Oh Lord help me!

Multiple Multiples!!

Yes that's right. I had my OB pregnancy confirmation today. When I told my wonderful fantastic doctor that I really strongly believe it is twins again and my beta HCG numbers (14dp5dt was 8,247 and 16dp5dt was over 20,000) she said that was really impressive and wanted to take a quick peak. Sure enough there are 2 gestational sacs in there and we can see 1 yolk sac in each. We go back on Weds the 15th for a viability screening and to check heartbeats.

Wow two sets of twins. Wow. I'm not really surprised because I was expecting it, but I am. But come on, who really prepares themselves for 2 sets of twins! Since I had gestational diabetes with both of my previous pregnancies, she wants me to start seeing the endocrinologist immediately and start checking blood sugars. Damn. I thought I'd at least a free pass until 16 weeks. Oh well, it's a small price to pay.

I'm having TWINS!!! AGAIN!!!

The Hats We Wear

How do you identify yourself? Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister, Friend... those we all know. Those are all common, but what about the other hats we wear that we may not choose to publicly identify with. The hats we wear, but choose to keep secret or at best not really discuss openly. How about Orphan, Cancer Survivor, Infertile, Crazy?

The past year of my life, I was fighting for my life. Fighting to live, fighting just to be here. I couldn't think about Tomorrow, all I could think about was surviving each day. Slowly I came out of it. I am not even Cancer Free a year yet, I still have several months to go for that. But I have discarded that hat so quickly. I don't want to look at it, feel it, smell it or even remember that I wore.

I quickly grabbed the Infertile Hat and went into action. Isn't that what every person does after being Cancer Free for 6 months? Decide to have a baby or two? Let me back up for a minute and explain how I got to this train of thought.

As the twins turned three in January, we noticed Sean is lagging behind physically. He wasn't able to jump, hop or balance on one foot at all. I mentioned it to his pediatrician and combined with the concerns over a minor speech delay, the physical delay, being a toe walker and other signs; his pediatrician sent us to a Behavioral and Developmental Pediatrician for diagnosis. He was diagnosed with a host of labels: Global Developmental Delays, Sensory Integration Disorder, Disruptive Behavior Disorder, and Auditory Processing Disorder. He will be tested in a few weeks to see if he falls on the Autism Spectrum, which I highly doubt. I don't think I'm in denial either. I think a Mom just knows these things. Anyway, we have been going to Speech Therapy, Occupational Therapy, and Physical Therapy several times a week. I'm actually not convinced that he has all that he is labeled with, but it is getting him help. I'll never refuse someone who is genuinely trying to help my child.

Well while sitting in the lobby during his latest therapy session, I got to talking with another Mom there. She was so sweet. She is 37 as well and we were comparing notes about our sons. As conversations often evolve, before I knew it, I had mentioned being a Cancer Survivor. As soon as it was out of my mouth I wanted to retract it, but I couldn't, it was already out there. She was asking so many questions, before I knew it I had told her how my Mom had died, my sister had a stroke when the twins were a few months old and I was taking her. She was very kind and said she would keep me in her prayers. I was left wondering what kind of impression had I made on this stranger. Does she think I am a pathological liar? I think if I had met a stranger and had learned all those things, I might think the person is a crazy liar who is seeking attention. Granted after all I have been through in the past 7 years, I could believe about anything.

Thinking back over the years, it has really been a rough ride. (Yes, I am bullet pointing my life)

• While fighting infertility and taking MANY hormones, I was also one of my Mom's primary caretakers. She passed away on a Sunday morning after fighting a grueling battle with Cancer. The very same week, I find out I am finally pregnant after almost 3 years.
• Before Cole is even a year old, we lose Alex's Step-mom to Cancer. It was in her brain and happened so suddenly. We barely had time to accept she had Cancer and then she was gone.
• Within a month, his Dad was diagnosed with Cancer. It was in his bladder and prostate. Thankfully, he has survived but it has been a really tough journey for him.
• We decided to try for a second child and get back on the infertility train. After several unsuccessful ART procedures, we jump up to the big guns, IVF. The first attempt was unsuccessful, except that we were able to freeze two healthy embryos.
• As we start our second round, I am responding to the meds unbelievably well. I had over 50 follicles for the doctors to retrieve eggs from. Financially, this is it. Do or die time. Two days before the egg retrieval, my Step-mom called from Oregon, my Dad died. He had Leukemia and had fought it for 15 years. I had a choice, to cancel the IVF cycle and waste the 50 eggs or fly out to Oregon for a man who left when I was three and was never there for me. Needless to say, the IVF was successful and resulted in our beautiful twins, Katie and Sean.
• The twins are barely two months old, and my sister Amy has 2 strokes. The first of which is on her daughter, Olivia's 16th birthday.  So I brought her to my home for the next month to care for her while she is rehabilitating and relearning to walk and care for herself. All the while taking care of newborn twins, Cole who is potty training, and Olivia who ends up living with us for the next 3 years.
• A year or two passes and Alex and I decide to move out of the townhouse and buy a house. Six weeks after moving into the house on Olivia's 18th birthday, I started coughing up blood. With in days, I am diagnosed with Stage III Base of Tongue Squamous Cell Carcinoma. I immediately start 7 weeks of radiation and chemotherapy.
• After 6 months of being Cancer Free, we decided we need to give our 2 frozen embryos a chance at life. I had a CT scan to make sure I am still cancer free and proceeded with the FET. I am currently 5 weeks pregnant and waiting to find out if it is twins, which Alex and I strongly suspect. My beta HCG numbers are through the roof and we have an ultrasound scheduled for June 15th to find out.

Now, looking over just the bullet points that doesn't even take into account the small stuff in life like job changes or being diagnosed as Bipolar. Those can be big and stressful events in themselves, but looking over the list, they don't seem to rank as all that important after all.

After all of this, what hat am I wearing? I don't know. I think I may be too hormonal to figure it out... wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

New Year, New Me

My New Year's resolution is to sit down and blog more often. It truly is therapy for me, and I am going to make the time dammit! Right now I'm getting ready to head to Cole's school to have lunch with him. They have lunch at 10:30 and I usually am only a quarter way through my coffee at that point. I want to surprise him and make him happy, so off I go to eat a cafeteria school lunch with my boy. I thought once I was out of school I'd never eat that crap again. Never did I realize they sucker you back to eat with your child.

Maybe it's because it's a new age and time. My mom never came to school to eat with me. None of my friends mom's did either though, for that point. I think it would have been embarrassing to a child back then. Cole has asked me a couple of times, so I guess he's not embarrassed yet! I know that time will be coming soon enough too. He is already conscious of what he wears and fitting in, and he is only in Kindergarten. Five year old boys should not care what they are wearing! Again, it is a different time.

Katie on the other hand, has it in spades! Not the embarrassment part, but the fashion part. She has her nails painted (by Olivia, with glitter) and her hair up in a bow that matches her pretty little flowered blouse. Yes it is a blouse, not a shirt, trust me! She wanted to wear her "pretty shoes" which is the black patented baby-doll shoes with a bow and a slight heel. I know! I can't believe they would put a heel on a shoe meant for a 2 yr old, but it was that or no dress shoes. She loves hearing them click, click, click. She wanted to wear them today, but they will be running around the playground at preschool so I made her wear sneakers.

Sean and Katie are counting to 10 now and it cracks me up. They say it with perfect twin unison, hmm, twinison. Well after we count to 10, every time Katie says, "Here I come!" I guess you can tell there has been a lot of hide-n-seek with the kids. Oh! 10:15, time to run to Cole's school. Please Lord, don't let me embarrass him yet. Give me a few more years, please!!!

Quick update, just returned and it went great of course. He gave me lots of hugs and kisses right there in the cafeteria. He introduced me to everyone he saw, and even posed for a picture.

I'm in love!

Is that a crazy thing for a parent to say? I'm in love with my child. I'm in love with my children. I look at them and my heart swells. I need to kiss their little dirty faces until they're smooshed. I love each of them the same and differently at the same time.

Cole is such a precocious little snuggler. He talks like it's nobody's business, has an opinion on everything (hmm, sounds a little familiar) and is not afraid to tell anybody who will listen that he is right about everything. He gives the best hugs ever! He loves art. He colors and makes pictures everyday. I swear the kid can draw better than I can, granted that doesn't set the bar very high. He never meets a stranger. I've tried to explain "stranger-danger" to him and he doesn't understand, part of me hopes he never does and he keeps the innocence. If a cute little blond boy starts chatting you up at the grocery store, chances are you've met my Cole.

Katie is such a girlie girl. She is my princess. She loves to have her hair fixed, wants make up on, loves dresses and is just so damn cute I can barely stand it. Every morning, she tells me 1 or 2. That is how she wants her hair fixed, either a ponytail/top-knot or piggy-tails. Now that her hair is getting a little longer, I'm going to try and give her more options. She is adamant about her clothing, she will not wear something she doesn't want to wear. She's not even 3 yet! Seriously! She loves showing off her earrings. There is something about the way she carries herself. I will catch myself just staring at her. She is beautiful and cute at the same time. Thank GOD she has 2 brothers. One older and one much bigger twin. Then there is always Daddy after that.

Sean, he is just the man. He is so independent and focused. He will take 2 separate toys and put them together to make a new game. He is happy to play with his brother or sister or just do his own thing. He is so sweet and loving, especially towards Katie. Cole had a hat that Katie wanted. Sean just walked over and snatched it off his head and gave it to Katie. We are trying to teach him he can't just take anything Katie wants. He is such a bruiser! He takes knocks like it's nothing. He plays hard too, he doesn't understand not everyone can take a hit like he can.

So yes, I'm in love. I feel happy and complete. I find myself grabbing a child to hug or kiss whenever my arms are empty, smelling their hair, or feeling their sweet little hands on my cheek. I'm just trying to enjoy every day that I can right now. Before I know it, I'll be hitting the preteen years and oh boy!

Not so angry anymore

Sorry I scared the hell out of a bunch of you. I leave off with how angry and filled with rage I am and then didn't blog for months. I have been reprimanded by several people. Please accept my humble apologies. Also please feel free to call me out on any typos you may find. I have the spell check turned on, but it does not seem to be working.
Let's see, since I last truly blogged a lot has happened. I am at peace with myself and the cancer. I'm trying to find all the positive in having cancer that I can. First and foremost, if someone in my house was going to have cancer, thank you God for letting it be me. I am a strong woman, but I am not strong enough to watch my children suffer. God bless all the parents who are dealing with this on a daily basis, you are at the top of my prayers. Cancer is blessing in that you find out how much you are loved as they carry you through you weakest moments.
OK, now on to the fun stuff. I just posted a quick list of funny moments in the past months. Oddly enough I wrote that months ago and forgot to publish it. Since then Katie got her ears pierced! She was sucha little champ about it too. She didn't cry or yell. She just told the lady afterward, "You hurt me" then hopped off the chair and said Sean's turn! Sean is getting much better at using his words. Sometimes he just speaks his little Sean-speak, and others it sounds like an 8 year old with perfect language skills. I just never know with him. I love when we have a conversation, I may not understand but I do. He tells me things and pauses with a sigh and checks to make sure I am looking him directly in the eye. Sometimes he'll reach up and caress me check so sweetly as he talks. He'll continue talking looking around and then cut his eyes over in the cutest little way. Some nights he'll talk to me like that for 5-10 minutes. My theory is between Katie and Cole, he can't get a word in so he saves it up for bedtime and is recounting his day to me. Cole is loving kindergarten. LOVES it. He has a girlfriend, of course. Her name is Blair with golden hair, blue eyes and she always has her hair fixed and loves to wear dresses. They are coloring buddy. A new girl started in his class and really took a liking to Cole. He said to her, I'm sorry but I already have a girlfriend. He told me at home, "I only like HOT girls, not just pretty ones!" I told Alex the story so when he got home he asked Cole about it so he could hear the story. Cole added on this time, "I only want 2 girlfriends, not too many!"

Cute and funny things over the past few months...

1. Cole had just woke up in the morning and he put on fresh underwear and shorts. I was helping him buckle his belt when he said. "Mom! I have a statue in my pants!" I realized he was talking about morning wood.
2. I stepped on my dog's tongue!!! He was licking the floor at the same time I stepped backwards. I was barefoot and it was the weirdest feeling ever. Poor Bandit.
3. As you get older, never trust a fart!
4. I was letting the twins watch the Disney Channel. Katie was watching Hannah Montana, Sean picked up the remote and handed it to me saying."'No. I pass."
5. Cole: We live in the United Steaks. If you say steak, it's what we eat. If you say United Steak, it's where we live.
6. So I was reading CNN, and saw on the right "popular on Facebook" and I thought, why do I have to be popular on FB to read those stories?
7. Sean dancing around the living room in Katie's princess heels to the song Disco Queen, that boy has got some moves!
8. Sean took a matchbox car, shoved it into my cleavage, put his hands in the air...Ta Da!
9. Katie farted on my lap, I asked her what do you say? (Expecting her to say 'cuse me) but no, my daughter says, "All mine!"
10. We learned the hard way. Do NOT watch Tosh.O when the kids are awake. We thought, oh it can't be that bad, they'll bleep anything bad. Obviously, we had not watched the show before. I grabbed both kids next to me and covered eyes and ears in a flash. We turned it off immediately and Alex and I both about had a heart attack. If you are curious, they were giving a definition of "docking". Alex and I never heard the word in this context before. He and I are so niave, we thought computer docking station. UH,NO!
11. On that note, we found a show that is funny as hell! It's called Tosh.O. I suggest DVR and waiting until all children are in bed. Wait until your teenagers are in bed too. God forbid they think of new stupid crap to do.

Why, oh Why?

I am so angry. I am filled with rage and I don't know why. I lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep, and analyize my feelings. I miss my life and yet I know it will never go back to what it was. I have to accept what my life is, now, in the present. I loved to eat, drink, make love to my husband, sleep, and take a warm cozy shower. Now, I can't enjoy any of those things and I don't know why. If I had been in a large plane crash or something I would think it is survivor's guilt. But how can I have survivor's guilt when I suffered through a cancer treatment. Millions of people go through treatment everyday. Some win their battle, and some lose. But no matter what, is a lonely battle. That is what makes it so hard, the loneliness and isolation. I fought my own battle, and for now I have won. Hopefully the war is over, and that is the end of the story. But, the injuries don't end when the war is over. The healing must begin.


But it's not that easy. We have all seen what war does to a soldier. Yes, many soldiers have lost parts of their bodies, but the worst part is what they lose in spirit and mind. So why can I not enjoy the simple things in my life anymore? I crave and yearn to be touched by my husband, but when he tries to give me a loving embrace, or show me his love physically, I just... can't return it the way I want to deep inside. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I even have a hard time being touched by my children. The oldest is 5 and the twins are not even 3. I really just have to hold it in as much as possible to give them all the love they deserve. My dear husband has been there every step of this battle wih cancer. Yet, I had to fight it alone. As much as he wanted to do it for me, he couldn't. It is like a crazy right of passage. Something I had to myself. All he could do was love me and support me. I don't want to eat, anything. Sleep is near impossible even with prescribed sleeping aids.Why am I so angry? I have fought cancer and seem to be winning the good fight. Why am I making myself and my family miserable. I don't want to die, so why am I acting like I did? Why am I denying myself any form of pleasure. It seems to be the most basic forms of pleasure: food, sleep, love and comfort. Maybe to some of you it seems obvious, but to me, I am baffled at my reactions.

I have struggled with depression for years. Almost 20 years to be exact. I have tried many medications and therapy techniques. I had gotten pretty good at being able to obtain some semblance of a normal life. After these last 6 months, I can't find my balance anymore. I am either terribly depressed or fighting the rage inside me not to throw every item in the house against a wall. I preoccupy myself with trivial menial items like facebook or the disney channel. Anything not to face what is really going on inside my head.

I started seeing a new GP. I had one for several years, but she quit practicing a few months before my diagnosis. While I was going through chemo and radiation, it seemed too much to find a new doctor. I finally found one this week. She is great, almost too great. My happy facade didn't fool her in the least and she wants me to see a therapist. Well if a GP can see through me on our first visit, then what is a psychologist going to see?

My body is beginning to heal itself. I have a long way to go to relearn how to swallow food with out choking. Now I'm dealing with something I never expected. It is completely side swiping me. The emotional side of cancer. Unfortunately all the loved ones I have had in my life that dealt with cancer didn't win. I have no role models to look up to. Is that where the survivor's guilt comes from? And how do I get over the fear that I'm not going to choke everytime I try to swallow something? I knew I'd be left with physical scars, but no one ever mentioned the emotional scars.

At the same time you have all the intense treatment from a team of doctor's to help you fight the battle, then all of a sudden they are gone. You got picked up, taken to a crazy jungle to fight with a team. The teams wins and they say, "Good job, Congratulations! Ok we are out of here! See ya!"

You yell after them, WAIT! where am I? How do I find my way home? What do I do now? Everyone assumes you'll just pick up in your life where you left off, but you can't do that and you don't know why. Your life is forever changed.

You just Nasty!

So last week was my birthday and my best friend took me to get a pedicure. It was slow in there being the middle of the week. There was one customer in there and only 2 technicians. I have been going to that salon for 10 years and know one of the ladies is the owner. I don't get to go all the time but at least often enough so my feet don't get grody. Over 10 years, I've gotten to know the ladies. They are very sweet, do an excellent job. I've seen them pregnant and they've seen me pregnant. When I was real big and huge with the twins(and couldn't see my feet); I would walk in and they would come get me and say I was right on time for my appointment, skipping me to the front of the line. When it came to the massage part, they would spend an extra long time on me. I was so grateful. So it's easy to say, we have grown a bond.

Well, we walk in and the owner seats us right away. We have our feet soaking in the water and the owner gets started on me. I casually glance over at the other customer and she is getting her heels scrubbed. I calculate the time in my head and that usually is about 10-15 minutes until the end. Ok, not bad. She will be over to help Von in a short bit. No problem. Von and I haven't seen each other in a week, so we had a lot of catching up to do. We are engrossed in our little world, catching up when the owner says something to the other technician in Vietnamese. There were a few tense words and we could tell the technician was very irritated. The owner got to a stopping point, had me soak my feet again and started working on Von.

About that point, the technician and the other customer started exchanging words. Von and I got quiet and couldn't help but hear everything going on. The technician was pissed! I have never seen her lose her temper or even be rude to a customer in the 10 years I had been going there so it really got my attention.

She jumped out of her seat and was telling the customer, "I been scrubbing you feet for 30 minute! You just nasty! You can't come in here 1 time a year and get all that nastiness off. You need to go have that lasered. I have 2 witness, I scrub you feet for 30 minute! No more!" You must picture this with the accent too!

The customer, "Well this is not a timed service, you need to keep scrubbing until my feet are smooth like my legs. I will not pay you for poor service. This is not acceptable!"

The owner hears this and she jumps out of her seat, "You no PAY?! I call Police! You pay! You come in here 1 time a year? We no need your business you pay and never come back! I call Police!"

At this point all three ladies are pretty much repeating themselves yelling and talking over each other. The technician looks at me and says, "I have witness!" I can feel Von on my other side trying to will me to stay out of it, but these are my girls! I gotta have their back, so I nod Yes several times. I couldn't say anything, because I was afraid I'd start laughing and make matters worse.

Finally the customer says, "You need to paint my nails!" The technician says exactly what I was thinking. "Why I paint you nails, if you no pay?!" At which point the customer said she will pay if the technician would just finish and paint her nails. At this point she continues to scrub her feet, with all her might. I'm sure she wanted to hurt her or make her bleed or something. She finally gets to painting her nails. By this time the owner has finished both mine and Von's pedicures. After she left, I took a picture of the nastiness that came off her feet which was in the trash can. In the picture, you'll see a bunch of green looking snot. No, it's not snot but the skin that was only the last 5 minutes worth of scrubbing. There was plenty more beneath the pad. I can't even imagine what her feet looked like before we got there. Poor Von was about to be sick at the sight of it.

Mommy you have boobies, and I have a sword!

So Cole has noticed the difference between boys and girls. "Mommy you have boobies and I have a sword!" He wasn't talking about his penis though, he was talking about a literal Nerf sword. Only boys can play with swords, that is NOT a girl toy, duh! Of course, my mind cracked up because he put it in one sentence. I now give him 10 years and he will be dying for a girl to play with his sword.
After dinner last night he was proud of his belly and was sticking it out as far as he could. He told Katie to feel his belly, he has a baby in there. I stopped him right there, "No hun, only girls can grow babies in their tummies." I had barely finished what I was saying and knew the next line. "No Katie is not growing a baby in her belly, not until she is way, way, WAY older!"
Luckily, the door locks have been working so I am very happy to say I have less to report on. School starts next week, kindergarten! He is wanting to get his hair cut before then. So it will be Alex's job to take him this weekend and tell him he is only getting a trim not a buzz cut. He has the most beautiful hair, hair most women would kill for. Hair many men would kill for too. Cole said it makes him look like a girl, so we need to convince him how handsome it is. This picture was taken right after his last trim.

Little Stinkers!!

No this is not blood, it is lipstick. My favorite color of lipstick, so that sucks. But it really does look like she had a good time. That smile, she is saying cheese. She doesn't realize how much trouble she is in at the moment.

 

So, as if this isn't enough, the next day the two of them decide to re-decorate their room some. They got up at 7:00 am to get the materials out of the pantry. They decided to use grits and toilet paper. They poured grits all over their beds and unrolled and shredded 4 rolls of toilet paper. Luckily I caught them before they went through every roll. I made them stand with their backs against the wall while I vacuumed their beds.

 

This kept going on for days. We had to remove all furniture from their room, put a lock on their closet doors to keep them from pulling the closet shelving down. We had to remove their furniture except their beds. They were pulling all the clothes out of the shelves, and I got tired of folding their clothes everyday and putting them away. Katie has been drawing on the walls pencil, crayons, chalk anything she can get her hands on. She has been saving the markers, permanent markers for herself; drawing all over herself, her brother, and the leather furniture. It's amazing that she keeps finding them too. I think I have collected all writing utensils in the house but she has her own stash somewhere. So I've had the house on lockdown now for about 3 days without incidence, but they are smart kids. I'm sure they will come up with something new to destroy the house with soon. Something I never would have thought of either.

Spoke to soon, I have a vase full of wine corks that I have collected over the years. Sean decided to test the toaster out with the corks. I had made eggo's for breakfast and forgot to unplug the toaster. Shit!

The tube is OUT!!

Again warning for the squeamish, blada, blada, blada.... Here are the pics of the doc pulling the tube out. He told me it was going to smart a little. I was pretty nervous, wishing I would've taken that Valium to calm me down. Too late now. So here is the picture of him pulling it out...

So you see the look on my face, I hadn't even realized it was out yet. Getting a catheter removed hurt more than that. Olivia went with me to take pictures, for moral support and for the gross factor. She was disappointed that wasn't any goo hanging off the end or squirting out like a fountain or something. You'll also notice it's a better looking belly button than my real one. With my real belly button, you can see all the loose stretchy skin from the twins.

The picture above was taken at the Doctor's office, a huge hole still. So that was a Friday and Alex and I had a date night planned for a while. I hadn't been out since Alex Birthday Celebration which was like the end of May and before that was Olivia's Birthday Celebration in the beginning of April before the cancer was diagnosed. So I was real excited about this date night with Alex. He said I need to stay on a liquid diet for the next few hours, but by dinner time I can go ahead and eat and enjoy our date. By the size of the hole I couldn't imagine how this would be possible.

So by the evening it had closed down to about the size of a pin hole. We went to Firebird Grill and I had a Pina Colada, frozen drink felt good on my throat. For dinner I had surf and turf, a really nice cut of filet wrapped in bacon and shrimp grilled on a skewer with a loaded baked potato. Of course I couldn't finish it all, but took it to go. I wasn't going to let one bite go to waste. (You know, it feels very wrong talking about this great meal with the hole glaring at me as I write) It was just a perfect date.

So let's see that was almost 2 weeks ago and I took a current picture and now there is no hole what-so-ever.  The doctor said I would have a 2nd belly button forever, so this is about as good as it gets.

The Tube is coming out Tomorrow!!!!

WARNING: For the squeamish, you may want to avoid today's blog. But you and I both know that curiosity will get the better of you, so save the time debating it and just read it.

So today are before pictures in all of it's nastiness. Once it's taken out I will post some after pictures, but you'll have to wait until Saturday for that.

If you'll notice the pictures that are close to the skin, they have an ooze around it. I was convinced that meant it was infected. It took all the doctors on my team to convince me that it is normal and not infected. You'll also notice in the first two pictures how red and irritated the skin is. The third picture, you can see all the crud or gunk inside the tube. It absolutely disgusts me. I asked the doctor how to clean it out. They said something carbonated, like ginger ale or a coke, or maybe baking soda mixed with water. Tried it all, nothing worked, unless you count vomiting as working. That last picture is after I drank a milkshake, again more ooze. Everything I eat would come up the tube and I could see partially digested food in the morning.

Some times it would be really bad. I take Ambien at night to sleep, so I would take it at night long with Thorazine. Thorazine is a very strong  (and sometimes it backs into the tube and the next morning when I flush the tube, it will knock me as if I just took the medicine!)

The twins are into everything, I'll post more later...

WOULD YOU PLEASE BLOG ALREADY!!!

For those of you who Facebook, someone posted that on my wall.  There have been a lot of reasons (or as some might read, excuses) why I haven't blogged lately. One of which is I rarely get my hands on the netbook when there is quiet in the house so I can think. Right now I am actually on Alex's work computer. I probably should not be writing right now anyway, I'm just so freaking irritable. It's like someone who just slammed a 12 pack of beer, handing them the keys and telling them to drive across town.
I have been pretty irritable a lot lately, to the point I don't want to be around myself. Luckily I have an appt. with my Oncologist tomorrow. He normally draws blood to check on blood counts related to the chemotherapy. I am going to ask him to check my thyroid levels while I'm there. The cool thing about his office that is unlike any other doctor I've ever been to, is their lab is attached (yes seen that before) BUT you get the results of the blood work back in 15-20 minutes! How cool is that? So if my thyroid function comes back normal, I'm going to have him prescribe something for anger.
I saw the Radiologist last Thursday and he said I have thrush way back near the tumor (or what is left of it). He prescribed something for it and I think it almost knocked it out. My opinion is the thrush has been masking my taste buds. I can't believe how much has changed taste-wise in 1 week. It's fantastic. I'm going to see if the Oncologist can prescribe one more round to completely knock it out.
Another major change is I'm not spitting up the dead tumor anymore. It was so disgusting and nasty. Most of them were small little bits or slivers the size of a sunflower seed. One night, I woke up choking. I was coughing up part of the tumor and it was the size of my largest molar. Bleh! I am so glad that is over. I can swallow food and water now without fear of choking.
Ok, so I have completely lost my train of thought, finally called it quits and put the kids to bed.

Lots of Craziness

Chemo last round, was something else. I remember getting really nauseated and asking for something for it. Well they gave me something. Whatever it was they gave me knocked me to next Tuesday. As in I don't remember anything until Tuesday and it was Thursday that I had chemo. Unfortunately, it didn't knock me out, it just made me difficult. Poor Alex had 3 two years to take care of. He was begging me to just take an Ambien and go to sleep, get some rest. He can take care of the kids, don't worry, just rest. I was in a crazy paranoid state that I don't even know how to explain. Well now I know it isn't the narcotics that I can't stand it's actually the chemo that does it to me. Only 1 more to go and that is Tomorrow.

We have had a couple of crazy weeks. First the netbook acted up, like the V-hold on an old TV not working. Alex had just gotten it for me 6 weeks earlier. So he took it back to Target and got a new one. They gave him a little grief, but they finally exchanged it for him. That's when the cable went out for 2 days! Let's see, the cable and AC went out on the same day too. So you can imagine just how much fun we were having over here.

Then on top of it all, I picked up something. I've been running a fever, which when your receiving chemo, will send your doctors into a panic. I've had to go into the office twice to receive IV fluids. Plus a third office visit, to make sure I didn't need more fluids. They now have me on 2 different antibiotics and a mouthwash for thrush, just in case. OH! I almost forgot, my neck! It has a radiation burn. It is like a really super-bad sunburn, right at the base of my neck. It has turned like a deep magenta and is peeling. They had to give me a special creme for that too. I promise Alex has not been choking me, even if the burn marks do fit his hands. I just keep telling myself 1 chemo (tomorrow) and 9 radiations treatments left. It's the homestretch, I can do it!

Some good news to end this on, we closed on the townhouse yesterday. We only have 1 mortgage! I thought we'd never sell that place. If I knew how to do a jig, I would be doing one right now!!

Just a little Claustrophobic

How much difference a week can make. I am back on the patch, same dose as when I had freaked out. I seem to be doing better this time though. One thing, I had the radiation technicians cut eye holes in my mask. That has helped immensely! The medicine is getting into my system and I feel like I can swallow again. It still hurts, but I can do it.

Oh, I used the feeding tube! If I have it, might as well use it right? So Friday night, Alex helped me shotgun a beer through my feeding tube. Only 1 though, it went straight to my head. At least we christened it properly. I have used it for food, as intended, since then.

My hair is starting to fall out too. Not all over my head, but in the back of my head near my neck. The radiation goes all around my neck in a circle and this is completely expected. It was still weird this morning when I was washing my hair and it seemed like I had more hair in my hands than soap. I got a certificate today thanking me for my hair. Locks of Love received it; I'm so glad it is being used and not going to waste. Well I am going to take a short nap before the twins wake up. Dang! They are up. Oh well, guess I'll go to bed early. I have chemo tomorrow so it's probably a good idea any way.

I'm melting, melting!

Well both my doctors have urged me to go back on the patch. As much as I hated to do it, I broke down and put it back on. My throat feels like I'm swallowing knives and the Lortab elixir is no longer touching it. So I am back on the patch, still taking the Lortab elixir and added something called Magic Mouthwash. It is supposed to numb on contact. Between all of that I feel like it's butter knifes instead of butcher knives, so I guess that is an improvement.

It hurts to talk or swallow, so I'm drinking a lot of Ensure Plus. My taste is so off I can't even taste it. Popsicles are my friend. They feel so good. I hope the pain is due to the cancer cells dying. That is what I like to think anyway. I know it's due to the radiation and blah, blah, blah. All I can think is, "Die Bitch! DIE!!!" (The cancer, not me). I picture it as the wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz, "I'm melting, melting!"

I was talking with Alex the other night about the remote possibility this doesn't work. It's something we are both aware of, but it has to work. It will work. It IS WORKING! I just know it! I'm too much of a fighter. I'm going to kick this cancer in the butt! No way will it win.

Just wanting to say Thank You!

It's hard to believe it's been a month since my diagnosis. Each passing day has seemed like an eternity in itself. And at the same time, I blinked and a month has passed. Most of it is a blur and I'm not sure I would even have the details right. Some things I do know for sure. I know that this has been the darkest month of life. I have felt loneliness and despair like I have never felt before and I hope to never feel again. But I have also felt loved this month, like I have never felt before but will always feel.

It has been truly amazing. How do I even express, how much love I have received in prayers, and help, that much needed help. Everyone has a piece of me and are carrying me through this. You all have seen this is too much for one person to carry and have pitched in, unbelievably, without question. It is such a rare opportunity to see how much a person is loved, but I am seeing it and feeling it now. Thank you everyone.

Narcotics

I always thought I would be a fan of narcotics. If I got my hands on some good stuff, I would be a junkie. Maybe before all of this, I would have. I would've enjoyed the escape from life and could have been. Right now it feels more like it is robbing me of life. I'm here, but I'm not. I feel and I don't.

I have been on a pain patch for about 4 days, and have taken it off a few hours ago. I would rather feel the pain and be inside my head, than no pain and not know where I'm at. I am waiting for the last of it to clear my body.

Yesterday, while at radiation I almost didn't think I could make it through the session. I was strapped to the table as I always have been, but I lost my sense of time. I don't know if I laid there for 5 minutes or 30. I just had to breathe. Remember to breathe, they would let me out eventually. I'm breathing, but it's not working. Grab hold of the table, strain against the mask. I. Will. Breathe! Oh I have a tube in my mouth, breathe in and breathe out. Breathe through the tube. Deep relaxing breathes. I can do this. Finally the clicking starts. The treatment is beginning. If it starts, it must end. I'm almost through it. I can do this. Finally, they are letting me free. Free for one more day.

Narcotics are not for me.