Narcotics

I always thought I would be a fan of narcotics. If I got my hands on some good stuff, I would be a junkie. Maybe before all of this, I would have. I would've enjoyed the escape from life and could have been. Right now it feels more like it is robbing me of life. I'm here, but I'm not. I feel and I don't.

I have been on a pain patch for about 4 days, and have taken it off a few hours ago. I would rather feel the pain and be inside my head, than no pain and not know where I'm at. I am waiting for the last of it to clear my body.

Yesterday, while at radiation I almost didn't think I could make it through the session. I was strapped to the table as I always have been, but I lost my sense of time. I don't know if I laid there for 5 minutes or 30. I just had to breathe. Remember to breathe, they would let me out eventually. I'm breathing, but it's not working. Grab hold of the table, strain against the mask. I. Will. Breathe! Oh I have a tube in my mouth, breathe in and breathe out. Breathe through the tube. Deep relaxing breathes. I can do this. Finally the clicking starts. The treatment is beginning. If it starts, it must end. I'm almost through it. I can do this. Finally, they are letting me free. Free for one more day.

Narcotics are not for me.

A Help or a Hinderance?

I realize why I hate this feeding tube so damn much! It is a physical manifestation of what I am going through with the cancer treatments. It is a constant reminder that I have to fight this, this cancer inside my body. With radiation and chemo, I feel like those are the good guys. We are a team and fighting the side effects and healing me, but the tube is something... Something I endure, I feel, I have to deal with just sitting here as I type. I can't rock my babies the way I want to, I can't hold my husband the way I want to. I smell like a disgusting kitchen sink. It gets in the way of everything and it hurts.

I broke down in sobs this morning because I want to rip it out and just be over it. I know I can't, there is a really good chance that I will need this tube. This tube that I want to cut into a million pieces, may save me in a few short months. That's when I realized it's not the tube itself, it is the limitations it is putting on me. IT can't put limitations, it's just a thing. I am the one adding the limitations on. Hopefully this realization will zap it of it's power over me and I can look at it as one of the treatments that will help heal me, not hinder me. Maybe it's both and that is the best I can hope for.

I hate this Feeding Tube!!!

I made it through yesterday, somehow. Most of the day went by in a foggy, nauseated way. I don't know how much of it was real or not. I at least feel like I am in my brain today.

The feeding tube has been the biggest pain in the butt so far. Yesterday I was at the point of wanting to rip it out myself. Alex talked me off the edge and I started taking Amoxycillian. The doctor wanted me to have it on hand just in case it started to get infected. I don't know that it is infected but it feels much better after about 3 or 4 doses. I feel like I could handle the nausea better if I didn't have a physical tube actually coming through my stomach. It's just pretty disgusting all around. It makes me lose my appetite. Oh, well.

I am so grateful for all the support everyone is giving me through this. I know we are just getting started with all the treatments and needing to ask for help but I am overwhelmed by every one's generosity all ready. Yvonne heard of a website to help get people together on stuff like this to help manage all the help. So we don't have 3 dinners showing up in one night and then none for a week. Part of what is weird is my taste keep changing. I know it's due to the radiation right ON my tongue. But it's odd that it can change within an hour. Like I was drinking a fresh bottle of water, and could have sworn it was Gatorade. Yesterday, sweet tea tasted like heaven and now it is bitter. Odd.

I think I need to go back and re-read the beginning of my blog. It started out as a therapy for dealing with Amy's strokes and the possibility I could lose her. Never did I think in 2 years, that it would be flipped on me, writing as therapy of facing my own mortality. I know I'm going to beat this. I feel it all the way as deep as I can feel it. But at the same time, you can't face something like this square on if you don't face all the scary possibilities of what might come.

Oh, by the way. Did I mention I hate this feeding tube?

First round Chemo and Radiation treatment

Yesterday morning started off with the Radiation right at 8:00 am. Alex was able to come into the room while they strapped me to the table like Frankenstein's monster. After that everyone cleared the room. The door to this room is no joke either it is about 6-8 inches thick. The actual radiation is done and over with in no time.

We went over to the infusion area at the Oncologist office for the chemo next. The port, as much as I complained for not having any pain management during the procedure, it was SO worth it. Anyone who ever has to go through chemo, get the port! So first they took some blood samples and checked with labs. Whatever they were checking came back fine because they stared the prechemo fluids. They hooked the IV into the port and started with hours of fluids. I'm not sure what they gave me as prep work, but they did infuse saline for 2 hours, something to make me pee, and antibiotic, and a steroid. By that time it was about noon, and we we're finally getting to the chemo. That took maybe an hour. I felt fine through all of it so far.

After the chemo, they started the post-procedure fluids. Two more hours of saline, plus the stuff to make me pee and some other stuff, that is when I really started to feel nauseated! I just knew I was going to heave and that it would be so painful due to the feeding tube in my stomach. The nurses were Johnny-on-the-spot with the anti-nausea medication in the IV. They told Alex it would make me loopy, but I wouldn't get sick. Man were they right!!

So after we got home I went straight to bed. I woke up and realized I needed help. I has so thirsty and needed some water; I needed to pee; I couldn't figure out how to turn on the TV or find the remote; I had all these things I needed and couldn't figure out how to do.

So I decided to start with the basic, just go pee then I'll deal with the rest. So I went to the bathroom and sat down to pee. I don't know how long I sat there, but it must've been a while. I decided I knew I would be finished peeing after I had sung the alphabet song to myself twice. Yes twice. I sang it once to myself in lower case, then started to sing it to myself in upper case. Well as I was singing and got to the Upper J and I lost it. I couldn't remember what comes after J. Shit. Now, I know I am really f*cked up!!!. I've lost my J's.

I finally get myself back into my bedroom. When I look, well, Alex put 5 bottles of water on my nightstand, but I couldn't figure out how to open them. The room was dark and so I thought I would text Alex to come up, but I couldn't find my cell phone to text him. I remembered I had gum in my purse and that would get my mouth moist. I finally dug it out and but couldn't get it open. At this time I realize I am hallucinating. Seriously. It was like a scene out of "Tommy Boy" when he is in the cop car and the nitrous oxide goes off in the back. Well, I can't have the kids see me stoned out of my gourd. I hear a sound outside my door and peak out. It's Olivia. Thank GOD!!!

I whisper and pull her into my room, rambling about losing my J's. She told me the kids were down for the night, so I know I am safe to go downstairs but I was too scared to walk down the them so I scooted down on my bottom. I told Alex I think I am hallucinating because I am SOO out of it and seeing trails! He took me upstairs and helped me open the water bottles. I think I drank 3 of them down immediately. He got me some dinner, and help me get ready for bed which couldn't be easy. He was my saviour! He found the phone that he laid right at my head, so when I woke up it would be easy to find. He turned on the TV because the remote was laying down right by my phone, right by my head. As for the J's he assured me if I know my alphabet in lower case, then I know them in upper case as well.

Needless to say, Alex was a little hesitant to leave me alone today. He didn't know if I was still going to be high this morning and able to care for myself, much less the kids. So he stayed home until Olivia got out of 1st period and was able to come home and help out. So all in all, I guess it went all right.

Something new everyday

Yesterday I had a port put in. (Was it really just yesterday?) Chemotherapy ruins your veins, and as it is I only have one good vein for blood to be drawn from. My choice was a pic line in my arm or the port in my chest. If I did the pic line, I would have to tape it off every time I want to take a shower. So that made it a no brainer, I want the port! It is under the skin and I can keep it in for years. There is some maintenance with it. I'll need to go to the doctor every month and have it flushed, but that seems minor.

I had to go to CMC University to have it inserted. We had to be there at 7:00 am. Since I live on the complete opposite side of Charlotte, we left the house at 6:00 am. One of the nurses in the OR with me, got caught in traffic. She was 45 minutes late and in a crappy mood. The technician aiding the doctor was hungover from the Bon Jovi concert the night before. I really wish she would have kept that to herself, she wasn't really inspiring confidence. I didn't even meet the doctor until I was in the OR and we were about to get started. The only thing he said to me was, "What is your bra size?" I answered 36D and he told the tech, they'll need to use the longer catheter and then I was put under.

I would like to say at this point I went to sleep wondering what that was all about. But, they gave me the local shots of Lidocaine and started cutting. They had put the medicine in my IV so I would be sedated and have amnesia of the procedure, but none of it worked. The lidocaine helped so that I felt less pain, but it was still sharp and burning. My head was turned to the left and it had a sheet over it in a tent fashion, they were using my face to set their tools down. I tried to remain calm and do deep breathing to control the pain. I could feel they had gotten the port in. It reminded of a c-section where the doctor is pulling and you feel like you are going to come off the table. Well when they got the catheter into my vein it was in my heart. I could hear the heart monitor beeping like crazy. So the doctor said we are going to have to take it out.

I am freaking out at this point. My brain was racing. I need to have the chemo and I have to have this port. "Please don't take it out!" The doctor realized I was awake. I was crying my eyes out partly from the pain, and partly because I was afraid they wouldn't be able to complete it. He told the nurse I was awake and she asked how I was doing. "It hurts. I can feel everything, but I need to have this put in." After that I don't see her again. She told the doctor she is out of medicine. The doctor and technician continue. He took the lidocaine and shot the area up again 4 more times. That helped some, but every time they put the catheter into my heart, my blood pressure shot up, so they took it out 2 more times to cut the catheter shorter. They finally got it into a position that my blood pressure stayed stable and they sewed me up. I found out later, he asked my bra size because he was concerned the weight of the breast tissue would dislodge the catheter.

So now I am traumatized. Besides being told I have cancer, inoperable cancer. My next fear is having a surgery and the sedation not working, being awake and feeling it all. Part of what upset me is that, they were so cold about it. Either they didn't believe me, or they just didn't care. I was scared half to death under that sheet and the nurse could have at least reached in and held my hand and told me it would be ok. Lie to me, just try to comfort me.

The technician went out and talked to Alex. She told him they gave me enough medicine to knock me out for 2 days. Maybe they did, but I somehow didn't receive it. I don't know if there was a problem with the IV or if I have built up a tolerance to that drug. I have to get a feeding tube inserted on Monday. The feeding tube is usually an outpatient procedure, but since I have developed a tolerance to the medication, they will have to admit me to the hospital and do it under anesthesia.

So I have an MRI tomorrow, feeding tube Monday, learning all about chemo on Tuesday and a dry run on the radiation, then Wednesday is when it all starts officially, chemo and radiation together.

Great News!

I got the results from the PET scan back and the cancer is localized in my tongue and has not metastasized! When the doctor told us, I could barely pay attention to the rest of what he was saying. I am going to live, that is what I heard. I tried to process the rest of the information that he was giving me, but all I could think is I will live through this.

I start radiation and chemo soon. I am still scared half to death but I am hoping writing about it helps ease the fear of the unknown. My doctors seem very confident and competent, with good bed side manners. The nurses have been very kind and genuine. I will just put my faith in them and God to carry me through this.

The first step is tomorrow, I go into the radiation clinic to have a mask made. This mask will help the technicians line my neck up each time so the zap the right parts. After that I am off to the dentist to make sure all my teeth are in good shape. Since I'll be receiving radiation at my bottom teeth, there is a chance I could loose them later, so I need to be vigilant about their care. I will be meeting with my Oncologist on Wednesday to go over the chemotherapy schedule.

I am kind of equating all of this to a pregnancy. When you first find out you are scared to death, but know if you follow the doctors orders, you'll have a healthy little new life after all is said and down. Same here. The doctors know the steps of taking care of me. They've seen this cancer before and know how to treat it. If I listen to what they say and follow directions, there will be a new life at the other side as well, mine. I will be alive and continue on. I will look back at this and remember how scared I was, and will hopefully laugh. It's just another stepping stone in life. It's just something else that will make me stronger and hopefully compassionate and understanding as well.

It has been one week since I learned this new truth, but I can already feel how it is starting to change me. The sunshine is much brighter, my children's laughter tickles me deeper and the little things just don't bother me the way they used to. Best of all I have my best friend by my side giving me all his strength and support, cheering me on. Having Alex with me, I can endure anything.

Squamous Cell Base Tongue Carcinoma

I have cancer. I have cancer. It doesn't matter how many times I say it, it doesn't feel real. Yet at the same time, it does. I know it's true way down deep where you can't lie to yourself or hide. I woke up with that thought this morning. I am 36 years old and have never smoked or used any tobacco, ever and yet I have an oral cancer. How can this be? It's not fair, I followed the rules and still I feel like I am being punished. I have 3 children under the age of 5 who need me. They need their mother, so I am going to fight, fight with every ounce of strength in me.

It's on my tongue, at the base. They can't remove it so we will treat it with chemo and radiation. Tomorrow I have a PET scan to see if it has spread and to diagnose the stage. I know it is at least stage 2 due to it's size. It's the size of a golf ball. I had a biopsy yesterday and they were able to reduce it by a third. I won't get the results until Wednesday, which seems like an eternity from now. When I have the radiation on my tongue, I won't be able to swallow for weeks so I will have to have a feeding tube inserted into my stomach. I am so scared.

I am going to blog about what is to come, what I am going through and for my children. One day when they can read, they will know how much they were loved by me even if they can't remember me. My greatest fear is not dying, it's not being here for Alex and my kids.

Did you say Peanut Butter?

So this is a very funny story. I'm almost embarrassed to type out the words, but it's one for the records, so here goes...

Cole is a healthy normal little boy, curious about his body and knows he has a penis. Now, he is not the type of little boy that is pulling on it or putting his hands in his pants or anything. So a least there aren't any issues in public (knock on wood it stays that way). But, he does enjoy laying down on his toys and, well, humping them. (Cole please forgive me for telling this story, I love you!)

At night he takes a bucket to bed with him. Yes a bucket. I would've thought something soft and plush, but I'm also not a boy so what do I know? Well, he doesn't like to go to sleep without his bucket and had been doing this for about a month when he told me his penis hurt.

"What do you mean it hurts?"

"It's sore, Mommy. I hurt my penis."

"Ok. Let's go to the bathroom and show me where." Well he pulls his pants and underwear down and there is a red rash down the underside of his penis. Inside, I'm freaking out, what the hell is that? Oh my God, my poor baby boy! Will I have grandchildren some day. HELP!

So I call Alex to get his opinion. He laughs and tells me to calm down, I guess he could see the terror in my eyes and knew my worries. He tells me to put some vaseline on it and tells Cole he needs to lay off the bucket for a few days. Alex explains to me, it is like intercourse without lubrication. OH, DUH! Why didn't I think of that.

The next day comes and he tells me his penis is still sore, so I take him in the bathroom and put more vaseline on it. It's healing well and will be fine by tomorrow. He says, "Mommy, will you help me pull my underwear up? I don't want to rub the peanut butter off."

WHOA! Did he just say Peanut Butter. My mind flashes to his preschool class where they pray everyday and have devotion. Yes My Mommy puts Peanut Butter on my Penis. Next scene, Mommy is pulled away in handcuffs.

"Son, did you just say Peanut Butter? No, I would NEVER put peanut butter on you honey!"

"No mom, I don't want to rub off the PEE-NIS butter." Ok is that really any better than peanut butter? Yikes. I just need to walk away from this conversation....

Where has time gone?

So it has been 5 months since I last posted! Can that really be? I think it's pretty funny that I was talking about the twins learning to walk, even posted a video showing Sean standing. Poof! Five months have passed and here I am. It barely seems like a week. Just little bodies underfoot, everywhere I turn. They love going in opposite directions. They have their own little twin language, which if I had a translator for would be something along the lines.

"OK, she can't catch both of us. As soon as we are out of the van, let's make a mad dash. I'll go left and you go right. Ready, Set, GO!!!!! RUN!" Holding my hand? Oh forget it! Sean would rather roll around on gravel with his shirt over his head, than hold my hand. (ask me how I know that, go ahead. I dare you.) Another favorite is getting into tiny places that I need to move furniture if I really want to grab them, like behind the couch. That is where they have their planning sessions. It is a full out conversation and they understand each other, even if no one else does.

Cole, oh my gosh, the honesty of a four year old. I'll save those for another post. Yes Cole has turned 4 since I last blogged. Back in July, did he have a birthday party to tell you about? Oh yes, at Gymboree. Sorry, I think I had more to tell you about it, but was just interrupted. Cole is walking around with a bucket on his head and walked into the wall. Can you believe he hurt his knee doing that? I thought it was perfectly safe to walk around with a bucket on my head.

Good news for Alex - his job mapped over to Wells Fargo Advisors. So he will keep his job! Oh, yeah Alex and I each had a birthday since then as well. Not really a big deal....It's not like turning 4, you know. Well, speaking of time it has taken me about 2 hours to write this much from the constant interruptions. I will write again soon, promise. I have so many funny stories that I need to write down before I forget them.

Has it really been 2 months?

As a friend pointed out to me recently, it's been 2 months since I last blogged. It feels like just 2 years, not 2 months. Cole turned 4 last week and the twins are into EVERYTHING! Time is flying by so quickly, I can barely keep pace. Right now, I have the twins trapped, I mean contained in their highchairs watching this DVD set we got: Your Baby Can Read. They love it. To be honest, I am not trying to teach them to read, just talk. If I hear "Unh!! Unh!" one more time I might snap like a twig. If they learn to read, well that is just a bonus.



Cole, like I said, just turned 4 and his mouth doesn't have an off switch. He talks non-stop for hours. Sean has figured out how to get around the cabinet locks.

Oh my gosh, invisible...

Cole is learning The Pledge of Allegiance. I want to catch it on video, so I want to wait for him to be in just the right mood. I don't want him to say it too much either and realize the correct words. "...oh my gosh, invisible, with biverty, and Justin for all." Too cute!

He is starting to get a sense that he really is a big boy. When we are out and about, he'll walk by people and kind of do the head nod and say, "Hay! How's it going?" and if he sees a toddler, he'll walk over and pat the child on the head, "Hay there, Little Fella!" I am just amazed by him everyday, not to mention proud. He uses his big voice and will ask, "Excuse me sir, I would like 2 cookies please." He says it so clearly and confidently, with complete manners, strangers just give him whatever he wants. I look at him and wonder where did he get all this charm from? He loves to take strangers by the hand and walk them over to the stroller to show them his babies. "This is Sean, and this is Katie" and then proceeds to answer questions about what a big helper he is to Mom and how he loves his babies.

Yesterday at coffee when we were leaving, he walked over to his playmate, Ella. Gave her a big hug and kiss and walked off. Stopped as if he forgot something, went and tapped her on the shoulder, "Ella, I love you! Bye" I am going to be in so much trouble!

(Sidenote: Yes I have tried talking to him about the dangers of talking to strangers. His response, "But Mom, I LIKE talking to people!" Please Lord, keep him safe!)

What in the world is wrong with me?

Olivia and I started our Survivor Diet yesterday. We each had our cup of rice and 4 shrimp. We had the shrimp all planned out for the week and yesterday, I drank about 120 oz of water. Olivia, may have drank about 60 oz, which is really good for her. Today we have had our rice and are saving the shrimp for dinner. She is at work and Alex and I watched Slumdog Millionaire (which is an awesome movie and worthy of all the accolades it has received). Well after watching the movie I thought about my recent trip to Sam's club and all the food I just bought. I thought how people in this world are legitimately starving, and here we are doing it for fun?!

Well as I am sitting here feeling guilty and thinking about all of this, she texts me and asks if she can watch her boyfriend eat (to spend time with him.) I told her, she needs to eat with him. I am not going to encourage her to starve herself and I am eating. She said she is going to do it anyway without me, but I am taking the shrimp and rice and making Jambalaya instead.

I think I had one of those instances where I realized I am the adult and need to be encouraging healthy behavior. Plus I can't let all that chipotle hummus go bad. *evil grin*

Survivor Mania

I have been trying to look at my personality objectively, and have come to realize I am an obsessive person. I don't think I am Obsessive-Compulsive, just Obsessive (contrary to whatever previous blogs have said!) I have found a get really obsessed with an idea, a tv-show, food, hobby and am like a dog with a bone. I just won't let it go. I found if I fight it, it takes longer to get over; if I go with it, I can move on faster and have a few weeks of calm without having an obsession. Some recent examples: Forums on MomsCharlotte, exercising, needing to get pierced, Facebook, YoVille, Texas Hold'em, my blog. So what does all of this enlightenment have to do with Survivor? Here it is...

Alex, Olivia and I have really become obsessed with Survivor (Ok, I have and am forcing it on them). I have been getting previous seasons from Netflix, so we watch Survivor almost every night. I had this crazy idea last night of going on a Survivor Diet. Well, Olivia being a typical teenage girl latches on to the idea. So we have set up a plan and it goes into effect tomorrow.

We each get a cup of rice and 3 oz of protein, plus drinking 100 oz of water a day. We are going to set up 'mini-challenges' for ourselves, and the winner gets an extra 2 oz of protein at dinner. We are both so excited about it. We are going to weigh ourselves and do this for a week. Neither one of us expect to keep whatever weight off that we lose, but think it will be fun to see what the contestants put themselves through on a small scale (plus the comforts of a bed and shower). Hopefully I won't be too lethargic and will be able to keep you posted on our progress.

Alex, is not joining us. When we told him about it and just shook his head, (he knows we are crazy). He asked will there still be food in the house for him and the kids, and I said Of Course! So he just shook his head again, OK crazy lady...enjoy your bone!

Mama said there'd be days like these...

Some days the whining and crying can just wear me down, the dog is underfoot, the laundry is piled up and dust bunnies are procreating well, like bunnies. But then there are days like today, Venus is aligned with Jupiter's shadow and Mars is rising in Venus' eclipse or something or another. All I know is today is golden, and I want it to move a little bit slower so I can savor it.

Everyone in the house woke up in a great mood, we got out the door on time and are on schedule. I just laid the twins down for a morning nap. I just opened the gate and they were happy to race up the stairs to the cribs. Sean is playing with his feet jabbering away. I believe he is telling Katie a bed-time story. She is listening with her undivided attention. Earlier Katie was following Bandit around the house laughing and giggling. Sean then thought it would be fun to feed Bandit a bottle of milk and Katie was hand feeding him her cereal. Cole was dancing to the Imagination Movers and Katie was trying to sing and dance with him.

I know the dust, laundry, and dishes should be bothering me, but I'll get to them a little later. I just want to enjoy my children today. Funny enough, I just realized my own shirt is inside out! Good times, good times. I think Cole and I are going to snuggle up on the couch with a big bowl of popcorn and watch a movie while the twins are napping.

Herding Cats

It just didn't seem right to mix the 2 blogs together. I have all kinds of news about the kids. Let's see. My babies are walking! WALKING! Have you ever heard the expression, "Herding cats" Well that is what chasing 1 year old twins around the house is like. I have gates up all over, it is just for containment. Alex wants to take the gates down so the twins can learn to navigate the stairs. He reminds me Cole was up and down the stairs by 10 months. So I remind him, there were two of us to chase 1 child. Now it is 3 children. 3. Are you nuts? We have three floors in our townhouse and the main living area is the second floor. So while 1 child is going up, one is going down and the other is in the bathroom doing only God knows what. No! I NEED containment for my sanity.

Yesterday was Olivia's 17th birthday. Crazy. We are getting letters in the mail from every college and university in the country it seems. She is driving (learner's permit now - license next month), she has a steady boyfriend and is getting ready for Prom. She got her hair highlighted and is starting to tan in preparation. This weekend we'll start shopping for Prom dresses, which I am so excited about. I may be more excited than she is!

Cole is as precocious as he has ever been. The other day, he and Alex were walking down the stairs and he looks out the front window. "Shit! It's raining!" Then he goes to the back door and looks out, "SHIT! It's raining here too!" I am so glad that it was with Alex, I think I would've laughed so hard it would've just encouraged him more. He now understands that is a word we don't say, so he keeps reminding Daddy, that is "not very, not nice."

The video of the kids walking is about 5 minutes, so I chose a 30 second video instead, just so you could see how cute they are!



Well at the moment, I can smell a stinky diaper so I need to go herd the cats...

Did you really pierce your tongue?

Has it really been a month since I last Blogged! Shame on me. Just shock and disgust...well, okay...I'm not going to go that far but I should at least have my hand slapped and be put in time-out. Yes! Time-out! Please may I have a Time-Out! I'll sit very quietly on the naughty-stair for 35 minutes. (You know, 1 minute for every year old that you are.) Ah, silent bliss....one can dream.

So looking back at my last blog entry, I named it Mid-Life Crisis. HA! That is funny, see about 2 weeks ago I went and got my nose, tongue and belly button pierced. I thought Alex was going to flip his lid when I got home, but surprisingly he liked it! He thought I was just going to get my nose pierced. I knew if I told him I was going to do the others, he would've either talked me out of it or at least do one at a time. The next day, I decided if I could take all those then I was going to put a second set of holes in my ears. I got an old set of piercing studs out of the jewelry box and did it myself. I'm done now. Everyone keeps asking if I am going to get a tattoo next. No. Never wanted one. They are too permanent.

Now, Olivia recorded me getting my tongue pierced. I am going to try and add it to the blog - hopefully I won't have any issues.

Watch at your own risk!!

Mid Life Crisis?

On the way to school today I was pondering what makes a mid-life crisis. Amy, who is still in her 30's is a little spooked that a friend her age just became a grandparent. As I was telling Olivia about it, she was shocked. "That would have to be, like, two accidents at, like, 18 or something!" Well, yes it does happen.

So I was just rambling about my thoughts aloud. Olivia was doing her make-up so I didn't really think she was paying attention anyway. But she is, and she told me not to worry, my kids are way to young for this to happen to me. (Really? Are you sure? Do you need to think about that some more...She is so literal sometimes, I just love it) I must've given her a look because she added on, even her Mom won't becoming a grandparent anytime soon!

So on this train of thought, I'm thinking about how Alex and I have lost our Moms and a dear friend, Hank, his Mom passed away two days ago. I realize we are at the age that this starts to happen. People who mean the world to us, are passing. How can this happen? I always thought the complaining about aging was about the aches and pains you get as you grow older, the loss of memory or incontinence. I'm starting to believe that is just minor. The pain you feel of losing your family and loved ones, and watching friends go through the same thing, that is what is really hard about aging.

Getting in touch with old friends on Facebook has just confirmed that. In the past month Alex and I have each had old friends who have lost their spouses. One was sudden and unexpected, the other was a slow progression due to Lou Gehrig's disease. My heart truly aches for both of them and their children. We are way too young to be losing spouses. This just can't be. I mention maybe this is why people have a mid life crisis. I start to realize Alex and I are old enough for this stuff to happen.

Olivia graciously offers to help me get through it, if I am indeed having one. So I humor her and ask like getting a tattoo and piercings? (She has been begging to get her belly button pierced.) She says no tattoos, they are too permanent, but piercings can be removed if we don't like them.

Cole pipes up from the backseat, "Lee-la, you are not-very not-nice to my mommy!!! You nee-ed to get a tattoo with her!"

Olivia and I laughed so hard, Cole got mad at us because he was very serious. I just love three year olds!

#21 Daddy's Girlfriend

I have had a lot of feedback regarding my previous post of "What is your favorite thing about Daddy? His Girlfriend."

Just to clarify, I am Daddy's girlfriend! Cole has been talking about boyfriends and girlfriends for a few weeks. He asked me to be his girlfriend and to marry him when he grows up. I explained that I was Daddy's girlfriend and we are already married. I told him what a great kid he is and he will have an easy time finding a girlfriend.

He has already moved on. He has decided he wants several girlfriends. He still misses Rory, his first girlfriend from Preschool, but he now has Ella and India. I generally have coffee every Weds morning with friends and he gets to play with the girls. And I cannot forget to mention, his true girlfriend, Jenna.

Jenna is one of Olivia's best friends, 17 and driving and loves Cole to pieces. Cole will often ask Olivia to call Jenna so he may profess his love. I just don't want Jenna's boyfriend to find out. I know he wouldn't stand a chance against Cole's charm and good looks!

So sorry it isn't more exciting, but I am Daddy's Girlfriend!

Kid Questionnaire

Kid Questionnaire
Ask your child(ren) to answer the questions and type their answers in.
Tag other moms with older kids who might have fun with this. :)

Cole - age 3.5


1. What is something mom always says to you?
"No!," silly

2. What makes mom happy?
Dinosaurs

3. What makes mom sad?
Crying.

4. How does your mom make you laugh?
You tickle me.

5. What was your mom like as a child?
A little kid like me.

6. How old is your mom?
Three.

7. How tall is your mom?
Big.

8. What is her favorite thing to watch on TV?
Diego. (???)

9. What does your mom do when you're not around?
Fart. (??!!)

10. If your mom becomes famous, what will it be for?
Poor Mom. I like you, but nope.

Mom, I love you and I like you, but that's enough questions right now. I'm a little busy. (As he's taking a bath!)

11. What is your mom really good at?
Nothing.

12. What is your mom not very good at?
You're just not very good.

13. What does your mom do for her job?
You bam, bam, bam and fix things.

14. What is your mom's favorite food?
Lunch!

15. What makes you proud of your mom?
When you take me to the park.

16. If your mom were a cartoon character, who would she be?
Cosmo (Fairly Odd Parents)

17. What do you and your mom do together?
Play at the park.

18. How are you and your mom the same?
We're life. ( I think he was saying we're alive?)

19. How are you and your mom different?
You're different when you're mad.

20. How do you know your mom loves you?
Because I love you and I'm happy.

21. What does your mom like most about your dad?
His girlfriend.

22. Where is your mom's favorite place to go?
The park.

Let them eat cake!!!