Saturday, October 9, 2010

Why, oh Why?

I am so angry. I am filled with rage and I don't know why. I lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep, and analyize my feelings. I miss my life and yet I know it will never go back to what it was. I have to accept what my life is, now, in the present. I loved to eat, drink, make love to my husband, sleep, and take a warm cozy shower. Now, I can't enjoy any of those things and I don't know why. If I had been in a large plane crash or something I would think it is survivor's guilt. But how can I have survivor's guilt when I suffered through a cancer treatment. Millions of people go through treatment everyday. Some win their battle, and some lose. But no matter what, is a lonely battle. That is what makes it so hard, the loneliness and isolation. I fought my own battle, and for now I have won. Hopefully the war is over, and that is the end of the story. But, the injuries don't end when the war is over. The healing must begin.

But it's not that easy. We have all seen what war does to a soldier. Yes, many soldiers have lost parts of their bodies, but the worst part is what they lose in spirit and mind. So why can I not enjoy the simple things in my life anymore? I crave and yearn to be touched by my husband, but when he tries to give me a loving embrace, or show me his love physically, I just... can't return it the way I want to deep inside. I love my husband with all my heart and soul. I even have a hard time being touched by my children. The oldest is 5 and the twins are not even 3. I really just have to hold it in as much as possible to give them all the love they deserve. My dear husband has been there every step of this battle wih cancer. Yet, I had to fight it alone. As much as he wanted to do it for me, he couldn't. It is like a crazy right of passage. Something I had to myself. All he could do was love me and support me. I don't want to eat, anything. Sleep is near impossible even with prescribed sleeping aids.Why am I so angry? I have fought cancer and seem to be winning the good fight. Why am I making myself and my family miserable. I don't want to die, so why am I acting like I did? Why am I denying myself any form of pleasure. It seems to be the most basic forms of pleasure: food, sleep, love and comfort. Maybe to some of you it seems obvious, but to me, I am baffled at my reactions.

I have struggled with depression for years. Almost 20 years to be exact. I have tried many medications and therapy techniques. I had gotten pretty good at being able to obtain some semblance of a normal life. After these last 6 months, I can't find my balance anymore. I am either terribly depressed or fighting the rage inside me not to throw every item in the house against a wall. I preoccupy myself with trivial menial items like facebook or the disney channel. Anything not to face what is really going on inside my head.

I started seeing a new GP. I had one for several years, but she quit practicing a few months before my diagnosis. While I was going through chemo and radiation, it seemed too much to find a new doctor. I finally found one this week. She is great, almost too great. My happy facade didn't fool her in the least and she wants me to see a therapist. Well if a GP can see through me on our first visit, then what is a psychologist going to see?

My body is beginning to heal itself. I have a long way to go to relearn how to swallow food with out choking. Now I'm dealing with something I never expected. It is completely side swiping me. The emotional side of cancer. Unfortunately all the loved ones I have had in my life that dealt with cancer didn't win. I have no role models to look up to. Is that where the survivor's guilt comes from? And how do I get over the fear that I'm not going to choke everytime I try to swallow something? I knew I'd be left with physical scars, but no one ever mentioned the emotional scars.

At the same time you have all the intense treatment from a team of doctor's to help you fight the battle, then all of a sudden they are gone. You got picked up, taken to a crazy jungle to fight with a team. The teams wins and they say, "Good job, Congratulations! Ok we are out of here! See ya!"

You yell after them, WAIT! where am I? How do I find my way home? What do I do now? Everyone assumes you'll just pick up in your life where you left off, but you can't do that and you don't know why. Your life is forever changed.