I have cancer. I have cancer. It doesn't matter how many times I say it, it doesn't feel real. Yet at the same time, it does. I know it's true way down deep where you can't lie to yourself or hide. I woke up with that thought this morning. I am 36 years old and have never smoked or used any tobacco, ever and yet I have an oral cancer. How can this be? It's not fair, I followed the rules and still I feel like I am being punished. I have 3 children under the age of 5 who need me. They need their mother, so I am going to fight, fight with every once of strength in me.
It's on my tongue, at the base. They can't remove it so we will treat it with chemo and radiation. Tomorrow I have a PET scan to see if it has spread and to diagnose the stage. I know it is at least stage 2 due to it's size. It's the size of a golf ball. I had a biopsy yesterday and they were able to reduce it by a third. I won't get the results until Wednesday, which seems like an eternity from now. When I have the radiation on my tongue, I won't be able to swallow for weeks so I will have to have a feeding tube inserted into my stomach. I am so scared.
I am going to blog about what is to come, what I am going through and for my children. One day when they can read, they will know how much they were loved by me even if they can't remember me. My greatest fear is not dying, it's not being here for Alex and my kids.
I made a baby blanket.
1 day ago