Okay, most of you will just want to skip today's blog. I am addressing this blog to Paul directly. When my Mama passed away a few years back, Amy wrote a letter to Mama expressing her feelings and clearing the air. It was very therapeutic for her and a type of closure. That's doesn't sound how I want it to. When a death is not a surprise and you can prepare for it, you can say your piece (or say your peace) and have closure. She was able to do that and that is just wonderful. She urged me to do the same, whether by letter or vocally. But as I sat at her bedside trying to take care of her the best I could, words failed me. All I could find to talk about with her was the future. A future I would have to face without her. I have felt very guilty about talking about the future with a dying woman, much less the fact she was my own mother!
Now, after becoming a mother I realize, I didn't need closure and I don't think she did either. We were always very close, open and honest with each other. So as her time neared, we could just sit in silence and enjoy each other's presence. I wanted her to know she had raised me well and wanted her to be proud of me.
I'm sure most people feel this way, but my Mama was one of a kind. She was such a unique person and I absolutely adored her. I looked up to her and admired her. She was the sun and I was moon that orbited her. To me, she was larger than life. She was just a fantastic person that I am blessed to have come from.
I actually found out I was pregnant with Cole 3 days after my Mama passed. It was bittersweet, since we had been trying for 2 years and were about to give up when the doctor donated the medication for us to try just one more try. I know now, Mama had hand-picked Cole out for us.
Now comes the Thank You part to Paul.
You are a wonderful man with a terrific sense of humor. I value you your wisdom and courage. You see life from an angle that surprises me everyday. Mama knew what she was doing when she came and sat on your desk at Hi-Tech. You two are a match made in Heaven. I love you in so many ways I don't even know how to express them all. In my heart you are my true dad and I want you to find happiness again. I know Mama does too. Paul, if I could, I would go back over all the years and erase anything hurtful I may have said or did. I want you to know I love you and I truly like you (as I know these don't always go hand in hand) I enjoy talking to you and hearing your opinions and can't imagine my life without you.
All my love Paul, your daughter,
I'm just not Supermom anymore....
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